Honest to Goodness Fears & Crazy Person Thoughts I’ve Had While Traveling

I’m plagued by a stream of preposterous thoughts and hypothetical scenarios on a daily basis.

Some slip through the cracks. Many I ignore out of sheer laziness. Others latch on to my neural sensors, shoot through a reflex pathway, on to my brain stem, digging in with a strongman grip. These absurdities remain for a time being, until the fierce current of common sense rushes to my aid, sweeping the ridiculousness down the metaphorical potty drain. I got a little carried away there –  are you still with me?

Absurdities are ignorant of vacations.

They do not holiday, take cat naps, or operate summer hours. They follow me here, there, and anywhere I roam. Feel free to jump in at any point if you, too, are betrothed to a wild and tempestuous imagination. *cricket cricket* Orrr, maybe that’s just me.

Thankfully, my “Let’s be rational,” (very official, British, female voice) chip works most days, or else I’d probably be stranded on an island somewhere (because tiny planes are scary). Or hiding under the covers. Or lugging around a gallon of hand sanitizer, with gloves.

These are honest to goodness, true, very real fears and crazy person thoughts I’ve had while traveling.

CRITTERS & CREATURES
Are there bedbugs here?
I think I felt something on my leg.
Why is that goat looking at me sideways?
If you don’t move, they can’t see you. (in reference to monkeys with rabies)
Yep – that’s a mouse. Great. Looks like I’m not sleeping for 4 more nights.
*bzzzz* I really hope that mosquito isn’t carrying malaria.

FOOD (OR IS IT?)
If I eat this, will I need to find a bathroom within 3 minutes?
That was not beef.
It swear it just moved.
I have no idea what that is.
How do I make it look like I ate it without actually eating it?

FEELING UTTERLY HELPLESS
What are the odds that this plane’s a dud?
(similarly) If I push the window hard, will it whoosh and suck me out of the plane?
Is this it? Mama…
Please don’t sit here, please don’t sit here, please don’t…
Thousands of people have probably touched it. *ick*

WAY, UP HIGH
Please don’t fall. (Yeah, Michael likes to hang off of cliffs and give me tiny heart attacks)
Is this harness legit?
Rickety bridges; my favorite.
Hoooly cow.
I don’t want to jump. *holds breath and shakes for 3.5 minutes, then eventually jumps*

DARKNESS & THE UNKNOWN
I can’t see a thing in this water. I’m totally shark bait.
This place is totally haunted.
Something just touched me.
Great. I have to pee. (note: bathroom was outside, no lights, in the jungle)
What was that?!?!

OTHER NONSENSE
When I use my best French possible to order my meal, will the server respond to me in English? Did anyone see that?
OMG, OMG, OMG!!! *white knuckles* (in the passenger seat, driving up a tiny mountain road in the snow, with a deadly drop off)
Do I smell?
Please tell me I don’t have to share a dirty bathroom.

Basically… I’m afraid of eating unidentifiable animal parts, being eaten, falling to my death, seeing Michael fall to his death, creepy-crawly things, dirty bathrooms, dirty bedrooms, and being shamed by French people.

•••••

The moral of the story? Not sure there is one really. Fancy that. But if I had to put my finger on it, it’d probably be something like, “Don’t let fear hold you back,” or, “Hell… anything’s possible. Get over yourself.”